Complaining About Work (AGAIN!) and a Sudden Burst of Hope

I should be asleep right now. It's after midnight, and instead of sleeping (I'm working at 7:30 a.m.), I've been staring at the ceiling and lost in the thoughts that are circling around in my head. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been on the computer for the last 45 minutes, looking at job postings that I can apply for. Despite my...well, lackluster efforts in school, I can't do this anymore. I can't sit at this dead end job for the rest of my life.

I was searching through some job sites, and I almost cried when I realized that, at this point, I'm really only qualified for sales/call centre positions, and those are the ones I'm trying to avoid. I get frustrated a lot at my own inability to be able to focus enough in school to do well. I know a lot is at stake. I know that my future career and my life with Tony will depend on us having stable jobs and savings. And yet, I always feel like a failure in school, like I'll never be as good as anyone else, I'll always be the one against the wall while everyone else moves forward.

And that scares me. I don't want to be a loser forever. Last weekend at my aforementioned dead end job, Saturday was extremely busy and things that should have been done by the five of us working over the course of the day (and night) ended up getting missed. The largest incident that came out of this flub was that a client who receives an hour of service on the weekend for a support worker to give him a bath never got booked. The client in turn took his anger out on the girls who were working on Sunday, and they in turn got yelled at by our Scarborough supervisor, who then filed a complaint with our Toronto supervisor. When a coworker and I got to work on Monday afternoon, our supervisor was waiting for us with one hell of a lecture (not even joking, we were in her office for a good 15 minutes while she yammered on). I'm not saying we didn't deserve to get into trouble. We damn well deserved it. Some of the things we missed really shouldn't have been. There was no excuse for that.

The other women who worked on Saturday were also lectured, and our supervisor told us that if Scarborough writes our office up, we in turn (individually) would also be written up. My thoughts during the whole lecture are probably an indication that I need to leave this job. While my supervisor was talking, my way of making amends was to simply look contrite even though I don't care if I'm written up. If they actually follow through and write us up, it would one of the first things they've ever followed up on.

This is an agency that really lacks any management style. If one of workers is doing something wrong, our supervisors hide under rocks. No, they can't simply speak to the worker and explain what the issue is. No, they think the best solution is to stop giving the worker hours with no explanation so the worker will quit. This is an agency that expects us to accept all new referrals but won't let any worker go over 44 hours or the worker gets yelled at. Honestly, I don't know how they even function like this. Staff morale is low, everyone is miserable. And yet we all trudge along, putting half the effort in and counting down the hours until we can leave. It's sad.

I've been struck by a burst of energy this evening though. I've been subscribing to a website called mediajobs.ca for a few months now. It sends an email out almost everyday with new media related job postings for across the country. Most of the time, I skim it briefly and then delete the email, because there are rarely any job postings that apply to students/those just out of school. But tonight, the email contained two potential winners. Both are internships, and neither of them are paid, but they would be good experience and potentially get my foot in the door for a job in journalism.

I'm also applying for a short internship with the Gladstone Hotel in Toronto. It's again unpaid, but it's a photography internship that would give me some great experience. There is on call centre job I'll be applying for as well as a a back up, and it offers some media experience as well.

I'll end this here because it's late and this post is a lot longer than I thought it was going to be. Oh, confidence, don't desert me now. I need to find my way out of this hole.

Mich

Post birthday reflections?

With the passing of another birthday, I've found myself becoming increasingly reflective about where I am in my life. I'm grateful to have turned another year older. At the age of 21, I learned that we aren't invincible to death's frigid touch. Losing a friend at that age was certainly a reminder of why we should live life to its fullest and not take things for granted.

Perhaps part of my reflection comes from not being where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Everyone dreams of the future and where they will be at a certain point in their life, and I’m no different. When I imagined my life at this stage, I had imagined myself with a steady job, my own apartment and perhaps a boyfriend (or at least a cat or dog). But life quickly teaches you that dreams aren’t always reality. I’m still at home, struggling to just get a diploma, in a craptastic part time job that earns me some money but is not always worth the stress that seems to come with it (a separate entry on this one will be coming soon).

This is not to say my life is not without blessings. I consider myself lucky in the things that are most important to me: I may not be rich but I live comfortably, I have wonderful boyfriend who loves me unconditionally, great friends who support me without judgment and family that I’m very close to who are super caring (although sometimes a little overprotective).

I guess I’m craving for independence. I’ve never imagined myself moving too far away from my family because of how close I am to them, but at the same time, I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I need to begin my own life away from them. A weekend at the cottage was an indication of that. The smallest indication of exerting our independence (my 21 year old cousin and myself), and we were smothered by the overbearing, heavy wings of our family. Nevermind that she and I flew to California and stayed there by ourselves for a week. A simple request to stay at the island cottage overnight, away from the overcrowding on the mainland cottage and the other 7 people and everyone acts like we’re going to get murdered by an axe wielding maniac.

My cousin and I stopped arguing with the “adults” (we will always be the “kids” no matter what age we are) after a few minutes because it was clearly a waste of energy and breath on our part. It was a battle we were not going to win. Our evening of sitting on the dock and gazing at the stars was lost to being stuck with 7 other people in an overheated cottage.

I love my family dearly, but I need to step away sometimes. When I first went into journalism, I imagined myself travelling to other countries and writing about exotic locations and the people I met. Am I sorry that that will likely never happen? Not really. I have a great group people who love and support me. But at the same time, something (or multiple things) are lacking in my life.

I need to find a way to fix this…