It's Been Awhile

Wow. I am really horrible at keeping this updated, lol. For now, just a short update. Now that I feel like I've got a plan, I'm a lot happier and considerably more determined to make this work. So, here's what I want to do this year (briefly):

1. Move out of the house within the next 12 months or so. It'll hopefully be sooner than that, but money is obviously an important factor :P

2. Get a new job. Especially since the place I'm working for appears to be going down faster than the Titanic and has decided to screw over the part-time staff (more on that at another time).

3. Get a certificate in photography and work towards my ultimate career goal of becoming a professional photographer. I have signed up for a distance education certificate, so I can work full time and still focus on photography (I have a little less than 9 months to practice, as I am one of the photographers at my cousin's wedding in October. YAY!!)

4. Learn to cook, crochet and sew. All important life skills and fun hobbies.

5. Exercise/lose weight--Determined to lose 45 pounds. I will not fail this one.

6. Be more organized- (struggling with this one, lol).

Anyway, that's it for now. I feel better, though, knowing that I have a plan. I've also been pretty good so far with actually working towards them. So here's to hoping that when I look at this list at the end of the year, I can say that I've really accomplished something.

Grumpy Me and 5 Good Things

It's strange. Everytime my life perks up a little bit, there's always something to bring me back down to reality, hard. It's not that I'm not grateful for the things i have or the people that surround me. Believe me, I am. If it weren't for the people in my life right now, I'd be a quivering ball of nothing.

I guess I'm just frustrated. Yesterday my parents were on my case again (and I suppose I'll admit I had it coming) about finishing school. I know they're worried about me, but somehow I don't think "She must have set some kind of record by now, being smart and yet managing to finish nothing" are the most encouraging words I've ever heard. I'm also pretty sure that at this point, my dad has just about given up on me. He basically told me to stop wasting my money, take whatever low paying job I can find and just work full time. I'm not going to lie, I've considered it a lot recently. I've been searching as well. At this point, I've temporarily resigned myself to having to take up a full time job as a receptionist just to survive.

Again, I know my parents love me and are concerned about me, but I wish they would stop pointing out that every other cousin/sibling I have all have degrees and are getting their master's and PhD's. I GET IT. I AM THE STUPID ONE. I'VE ALREADY COME TO ACCEPT IT (well, okay. Not really.)

I'll survive. This shall be my temporary mantra.

Anyway, because I need to perk myself up a bit, here's a list of 5 good things in my life right now:

-my family-because I know they love me
-my boyfriend (Tony)-because he keeps me sane <3 (or relatively sane).
-my friends=awesome
-my digital photography class-the prof is awesome, the class is fun and hands on, and we have a lot of laughs. Seriously, the prof is awesome. Who else could make 45 minutes of taking pictures of a wall fun?
-the fifth thing...hmm...I know there must be one...Sleep. Because I can escape from my problems and stresses for a little while (and yes, I know, that it isn't really healthy to try and avoid a problem by sleeping).

Mich

Post birthday reflections?

With the passing of another birthday, I've found myself becoming increasingly reflective about where I am in my life. I'm grateful to have turned another year older. At the age of 21, I learned that we aren't invincible to death's frigid touch. Losing a friend at that age was certainly a reminder of why we should live life to its fullest and not take things for granted.

Perhaps part of my reflection comes from not being where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Everyone dreams of the future and where they will be at a certain point in their life, and I’m no different. When I imagined my life at this stage, I had imagined myself with a steady job, my own apartment and perhaps a boyfriend (or at least a cat or dog). But life quickly teaches you that dreams aren’t always reality. I’m still at home, struggling to just get a diploma, in a craptastic part time job that earns me some money but is not always worth the stress that seems to come with it (a separate entry on this one will be coming soon).

This is not to say my life is not without blessings. I consider myself lucky in the things that are most important to me: I may not be rich but I live comfortably, I have wonderful boyfriend who loves me unconditionally, great friends who support me without judgment and family that I’m very close to who are super caring (although sometimes a little overprotective).

I guess I’m craving for independence. I’ve never imagined myself moving too far away from my family because of how close I am to them, but at the same time, I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I need to begin my own life away from them. A weekend at the cottage was an indication of that. The smallest indication of exerting our independence (my 21 year old cousin and myself), and we were smothered by the overbearing, heavy wings of our family. Nevermind that she and I flew to California and stayed there by ourselves for a week. A simple request to stay at the island cottage overnight, away from the overcrowding on the mainland cottage and the other 7 people and everyone acts like we’re going to get murdered by an axe wielding maniac.

My cousin and I stopped arguing with the “adults” (we will always be the “kids” no matter what age we are) after a few minutes because it was clearly a waste of energy and breath on our part. It was a battle we were not going to win. Our evening of sitting on the dock and gazing at the stars was lost to being stuck with 7 other people in an overheated cottage.

I love my family dearly, but I need to step away sometimes. When I first went into journalism, I imagined myself travelling to other countries and writing about exotic locations and the people I met. Am I sorry that that will likely never happen? Not really. I have a great group people who love and support me. But at the same time, something (or multiple things) are lacking in my life.

I need to find a way to fix this…

I suck at life

This is going to be a rather self-depreciating entry.

I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of feeling like a loser who's never going to be able to accomplish anything. And what's worse is that I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it either.

My parents are not so great at being motivational speakers when it comes to me, but I suppose I haven't exactly been worthy of praise. I fail at everything I do when it comes to school...and work...and just about everything else. (My mom told my brother that my dad wants to show me a picture of a person on welfare and say that that's what I'm going to be. Seriously. WTF?)

I admit that I haven't tried in the past. But I really was trying in the past year to change everything and I can't seem to climb over whatever this stupid hurdle is.

Maybe that's the problem. I don't know why I can't seem to motivate myself to be successful. I hate that my parents compare me to my cousin with the fucking PHD, I hate that they compare me to the cousin who is going into pre-med. I already feel stupid and worthless. I don't need examples to prove the point further.

I'm 26, still live at home, have no degree or diploma and work in a piece of shit supposedly part time job that if I'm lucky gives me between 9 and 13 hours a week. I hate being shy, I hate that I'm overweight, I hate I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN CONFIDE IN ANYONE.

I wish I had a best friend that I could confide in, but being shy and complacent and letting people walk over you gets you nothing but a useless life and a "best" friend who only calls you when something has happened to her. If I've done something, she's done it bigger and better and that leaves me nowhere.

I should stop bitching so much. I could be in a much worse position; at least I have a family that loves me and my boyfriend loves me and I do a have a group of close friends that are supportive and wonderful and when I go out with them I have a wonderful time.

But I hate when I feel like this because I feel like I'm not being fair to anyone by hanging out with them. It's certainly not fair to my boyfriend, who tends to watch me be grouchy without actually knowing why. Sometimes I think I'm still too stupid and selfish to be with someone who loves me unconditionally. And that makes me feel worse.

I've lost interest in my poetry, I've lost interest in just about everything except sleeping. At least when I'm asleep I feel peaceful. I'd never kill myself (I'm terrified of death and dying without accomplishing anything, ironically enough), but this past December/beginning of January was the first time I truly felt like suicide was a viable option, and that really scares me. I've had friends attempt suicide before, and I've always thought that I would never let myself get to that stage.

I guess failure takes it's toll on you after awhile. I've made little changes (I try to exercise everyday now, I'm trying to be a cautious spender and I'm looking for a different job). I'm in school part-time for journalism, and this is the first time I feel like I have a professor who I will genuinely keep in touch with after the semester ends. That's never happened before.

I've been looking into going for therapy. That seems like the best solution. We'll see what happens.