I suck at life

This is going to be a rather self-depreciating entry.

I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of feeling like a loser who's never going to be able to accomplish anything. And what's worse is that I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it either.

My parents are not so great at being motivational speakers when it comes to me, but I suppose I haven't exactly been worthy of praise. I fail at everything I do when it comes to school...and work...and just about everything else. (My mom told my brother that my dad wants to show me a picture of a person on welfare and say that that's what I'm going to be. Seriously. WTF?)

I admit that I haven't tried in the past. But I really was trying in the past year to change everything and I can't seem to climb over whatever this stupid hurdle is.

Maybe that's the problem. I don't know why I can't seem to motivate myself to be successful. I hate that my parents compare me to my cousin with the fucking PHD, I hate that they compare me to the cousin who is going into pre-med. I already feel stupid and worthless. I don't need examples to prove the point further.

I'm 26, still live at home, have no degree or diploma and work in a piece of shit supposedly part time job that if I'm lucky gives me between 9 and 13 hours a week. I hate being shy, I hate that I'm overweight, I hate I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN CONFIDE IN ANYONE.

I wish I had a best friend that I could confide in, but being shy and complacent and letting people walk over you gets you nothing but a useless life and a "best" friend who only calls you when something has happened to her. If I've done something, she's done it bigger and better and that leaves me nowhere.

I should stop bitching so much. I could be in a much worse position; at least I have a family that loves me and my boyfriend loves me and I do a have a group of close friends that are supportive and wonderful and when I go out with them I have a wonderful time.

But I hate when I feel like this because I feel like I'm not being fair to anyone by hanging out with them. It's certainly not fair to my boyfriend, who tends to watch me be grouchy without actually knowing why. Sometimes I think I'm still too stupid and selfish to be with someone who loves me unconditionally. And that makes me feel worse.

I've lost interest in my poetry, I've lost interest in just about everything except sleeping. At least when I'm asleep I feel peaceful. I'd never kill myself (I'm terrified of death and dying without accomplishing anything, ironically enough), but this past December/beginning of January was the first time I truly felt like suicide was a viable option, and that really scares me. I've had friends attempt suicide before, and I've always thought that I would never let myself get to that stage.

I guess failure takes it's toll on you after awhile. I've made little changes (I try to exercise everyday now, I'm trying to be a cautious spender and I'm looking for a different job). I'm in school part-time for journalism, and this is the first time I feel like I have a professor who I will genuinely keep in touch with after the semester ends. That's never happened before.

I've been looking into going for therapy. That seems like the best solution. We'll see what happens.