It's strange. Everytime my life perks up a little bit, there's always something to bring me back down to reality, hard. It's not that I'm not grateful for the things i have or the people that surround me. Believe me, I am. If it weren't for the people in my life right now, I'd be a quivering ball of nothing.
I guess I'm just frustrated. Yesterday my parents were on my case again (and I suppose I'll admit I had it coming) about finishing school. I know they're worried about me, but somehow I don't think "She must have set some kind of record by now, being smart and yet managing to finish nothing" are the most encouraging words I've ever heard. I'm also pretty sure that at this point, my dad has just about given up on me. He basically told me to stop wasting my money, take whatever low paying job I can find and just work full time. I'm not going to lie, I've considered it a lot recently. I've been searching as well. At this point, I've temporarily resigned myself to having to take up a full time job as a receptionist just to survive.
Again, I know my parents love me and are concerned about me, but I wish they would stop pointing out that every other cousin/sibling I have all have degrees and are getting their master's and PhD's. I GET IT. I AM THE STUPID ONE. I'VE ALREADY COME TO ACCEPT IT (well, okay. Not really.)
I'll survive. This shall be my temporary mantra.
Anyway, because I need to perk myself up a bit, here's a list of 5 good things in my life right now:
-my family-because I know they love me
-my boyfriend (Tony)-because he keeps me sane <3 (or relatively sane).
-my friends=awesome
-my digital photography class-the prof is awesome, the class is fun and hands on, and we have a lot of laughs. Seriously, the prof is awesome. Who else could make 45 minutes of taking pictures of a wall fun?
-the fifth thing...hmm...I know there must be one...Sleep. Because I can escape from my problems and stresses for a little while (and yes, I know, that it isn't really healthy to try and avoid a problem by sleeping).
Mich
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Photography Internship
This was supposed to be a happy blog post. And maybe it still will be. I don't know. I'm questioning a lot of things tonight, which is likely why I'm not asleep at just after 2 a.m. I shouldn't really say questioning. Thinking is really more the word. I'm just amazed at how within a few hours, my mood has shifted from completely overjoyed and bouncy to brooding and upset. I'm typing this in the dark and as softly as possible because the last thing I need is my parents to wake up and come to my room to find out why I'm still awake. I'm not really in the mood to explain why I'm crying over my keyboard right now.
So I'll move on, turn this into the "happy" post it's supposed to be. I found out on Wednesday that I got a photography internship position at the Gladstone Hotel in Toronto. And I am super thrilled. I applied for it in July, but after a month of not hearing from the guy, I figured it had gone to other people and moved on. So imagine my surprise when I checked my email on Tuesday and the man had sent an e-mail to many of the applicants stating that it had been a busy summer of events at the hotel and he was only now getting things organized for the fall. He asked if anyone is still interested.
Of course I e-mailed him back that I'm interested. He responded to me on Wednesday that he'd like me to start as soon as possible. I'm meeting him for lunch on Tuesday to finish setting everything up and I start right after that :D It's only 8 hours a week approximately (covering a 4-6 hour event and then editing and posting the photos) but it's good experience and can be used as a portfolio.
Okay. That's as happy as this post is getting. More later, for now I'm going to try and sleep. Or at least play my DS.
So I'll move on, turn this into the "happy" post it's supposed to be. I found out on Wednesday that I got a photography internship position at the Gladstone Hotel in Toronto. And I am super thrilled. I applied for it in July, but after a month of not hearing from the guy, I figured it had gone to other people and moved on. So imagine my surprise when I checked my email on Tuesday and the man had sent an e-mail to many of the applicants stating that it had been a busy summer of events at the hotel and he was only now getting things organized for the fall. He asked if anyone is still interested.
Of course I e-mailed him back that I'm interested. He responded to me on Wednesday that he'd like me to start as soon as possible. I'm meeting him for lunch on Tuesday to finish setting everything up and I start right after that :D It's only 8 hours a week approximately (covering a 4-6 hour event and then editing and posting the photos) but it's good experience and can be used as a portfolio.
Okay. That's as happy as this post is getting. More later, for now I'm going to try and sleep. Or at least play my DS.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Complaining About Work (AGAIN!) and a Sudden Burst of Hope
I should be asleep right now. It's after midnight, and instead of sleeping (I'm working at 7:30 a.m.), I've been staring at the ceiling and lost in the thoughts that are circling around in my head. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been on the computer for the last 45 minutes, looking at job postings that I can apply for. Despite my...well, lackluster efforts in school, I can't do this anymore. I can't sit at this dead end job for the rest of my life.
I was searching through some job sites, and I almost cried when I realized that, at this point, I'm really only qualified for sales/call centre positions, and those are the ones I'm trying to avoid. I get frustrated a lot at my own inability to be able to focus enough in school to do well. I know a lot is at stake. I know that my future career and my life with Tony will depend on us having stable jobs and savings. And yet, I always feel like a failure in school, like I'll never be as good as anyone else, I'll always be the one against the wall while everyone else moves forward.
And that scares me. I don't want to be a loser forever. Last weekend at my aforementioned dead end job, Saturday was extremely busy and things that should have been done by the five of us working over the course of the day (and night) ended up getting missed. The largest incident that came out of this flub was that a client who receives an hour of service on the weekend for a support worker to give him a bath never got booked. The client in turn took his anger out on the girls who were working on Sunday, and they in turn got yelled at by our Scarborough supervisor, who then filed a complaint with our Toronto supervisor. When a coworker and I got to work on Monday afternoon, our supervisor was waiting for us with one hell of a lecture (not even joking, we were in her office for a good 15 minutes while she yammered on). I'm not saying we didn't deserve to get into trouble. We damn well deserved it. Some of the things we missed really shouldn't have been. There was no excuse for that.
The other women who worked on Saturday were also lectured, and our supervisor told us that if Scarborough writes our office up, we in turn (individually) would also be written up. My thoughts during the whole lecture are probably an indication that I need to leave this job. While my supervisor was talking, my way of making amends was to simply look contrite even though I don't care if I'm written up. If they actually follow through and write us up, it would one of the first things they've ever followed up on.
This is an agency that really lacks any management style. If one of workers is doing something wrong, our supervisors hide under rocks. No, they can't simply speak to the worker and explain what the issue is. No, they think the best solution is to stop giving the worker hours with no explanation so the worker will quit. This is an agency that expects us to accept all new referrals but won't let any worker go over 44 hours or the worker gets yelled at. Honestly, I don't know how they even function like this. Staff morale is low, everyone is miserable. And yet we all trudge along, putting half the effort in and counting down the hours until we can leave. It's sad.
I've been struck by a burst of energy this evening though. I've been subscribing to a website called mediajobs.ca for a few months now. It sends an email out almost everyday with new media related job postings for across the country. Most of the time, I skim it briefly and then delete the email, because there are rarely any job postings that apply to students/those just out of school. But tonight, the email contained two potential winners. Both are internships, and neither of them are paid, but they would be good experience and potentially get my foot in the door for a job in journalism.
I'm also applying for a short internship with the Gladstone Hotel in Toronto. It's again unpaid, but it's a photography internship that would give me some great experience. There is on call centre job I'll be applying for as well as a a back up, and it offers some media experience as well.
I'll end this here because it's late and this post is a lot longer than I thought it was going to be. Oh, confidence, don't desert me now. I need to find my way out of this hole.
Mich
I was searching through some job sites, and I almost cried when I realized that, at this point, I'm really only qualified for sales/call centre positions, and those are the ones I'm trying to avoid. I get frustrated a lot at my own inability to be able to focus enough in school to do well. I know a lot is at stake. I know that my future career and my life with Tony will depend on us having stable jobs and savings. And yet, I always feel like a failure in school, like I'll never be as good as anyone else, I'll always be the one against the wall while everyone else moves forward.
And that scares me. I don't want to be a loser forever. Last weekend at my aforementioned dead end job, Saturday was extremely busy and things that should have been done by the five of us working over the course of the day (and night) ended up getting missed. The largest incident that came out of this flub was that a client who receives an hour of service on the weekend for a support worker to give him a bath never got booked. The client in turn took his anger out on the girls who were working on Sunday, and they in turn got yelled at by our Scarborough supervisor, who then filed a complaint with our Toronto supervisor. When a coworker and I got to work on Monday afternoon, our supervisor was waiting for us with one hell of a lecture (not even joking, we were in her office for a good 15 minutes while she yammered on). I'm not saying we didn't deserve to get into trouble. We damn well deserved it. Some of the things we missed really shouldn't have been. There was no excuse for that.
The other women who worked on Saturday were also lectured, and our supervisor told us that if Scarborough writes our office up, we in turn (individually) would also be written up. My thoughts during the whole lecture are probably an indication that I need to leave this job. While my supervisor was talking, my way of making amends was to simply look contrite even though I don't care if I'm written up. If they actually follow through and write us up, it would one of the first things they've ever followed up on.
This is an agency that really lacks any management style. If one of workers is doing something wrong, our supervisors hide under rocks. No, they can't simply speak to the worker and explain what the issue is. No, they think the best solution is to stop giving the worker hours with no explanation so the worker will quit. This is an agency that expects us to accept all new referrals but won't let any worker go over 44 hours or the worker gets yelled at. Honestly, I don't know how they even function like this. Staff morale is low, everyone is miserable. And yet we all trudge along, putting half the effort in and counting down the hours until we can leave. It's sad.
I've been struck by a burst of energy this evening though. I've been subscribing to a website called mediajobs.ca for a few months now. It sends an email out almost everyday with new media related job postings for across the country. Most of the time, I skim it briefly and then delete the email, because there are rarely any job postings that apply to students/those just out of school. But tonight, the email contained two potential winners. Both are internships, and neither of them are paid, but they would be good experience and potentially get my foot in the door for a job in journalism.
I'm also applying for a short internship with the Gladstone Hotel in Toronto. It's again unpaid, but it's a photography internship that would give me some great experience. There is on call centre job I'll be applying for as well as a a back up, and it offers some media experience as well.
I'll end this here because it's late and this post is a lot longer than I thought it was going to be. Oh, confidence, don't desert me now. I need to find my way out of this hole.
Mich
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Post birthday reflections?
With the passing of another birthday, I've found myself becoming increasingly reflective about where I am in my life. I'm grateful to have turned another year older. At the age of 21, I learned that we aren't invincible to death's frigid touch. Losing a friend at that age was certainly a reminder of why we should live life to its fullest and not take things for granted.
Perhaps part of my reflection comes from not being where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Everyone dreams of the future and where they will be at a certain point in their life, and I’m no different. When I imagined my life at this stage, I had imagined myself with a steady job, my own apartment and perhaps a boyfriend (or at least a cat or dog). But life quickly teaches you that dreams aren’t always reality. I’m still at home, struggling to just get a diploma, in a craptastic part time job that earns me some money but is not always worth the stress that seems to come with it (a separate entry on this one will be coming soon).
This is not to say my life is not without blessings. I consider myself lucky in the things that are most important to me: I may not be rich but I live comfortably, I have wonderful boyfriend who loves me unconditionally, great friends who support me without judgment and family that I’m very close to who are super caring (although sometimes a little overprotective).
I guess I’m craving for independence. I’ve never imagined myself moving too far away from my family because of how close I am to them, but at the same time, I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I need to begin my own life away from them. A weekend at the cottage was an indication of that. The smallest indication of exerting our independence (my 21 year old cousin and myself), and we were smothered by the overbearing, heavy wings of our family. Nevermind that she and I flew to California and stayed there by ourselves for a week. A simple request to stay at the island cottage overnight, away from the overcrowding on the mainland cottage and the other 7 people and everyone acts like we’re going to get murdered by an axe wielding maniac.
My cousin and I stopped arguing with the “adults” (we will always be the “kids” no matter what age we are) after a few minutes because it was clearly a waste of energy and breath on our part. It was a battle we were not going to win. Our evening of sitting on the dock and gazing at the stars was lost to being stuck with 7 other people in an overheated cottage.
I love my family dearly, but I need to step away sometimes. When I first went into journalism, I imagined myself travelling to other countries and writing about exotic locations and the people I met. Am I sorry that that will likely never happen? Not really. I have a great group people who love and support me. But at the same time, something (or multiple things) are lacking in my life.
I need to find a way to fix this…
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Name spelling
My name is Michelle. I understand if someone misses one l or one e. Because the name can be spelled like that (and I like to think I'm not that anal about it lol).
However, I would like to point out that in no way, shape, or form is my name spelled to form Mitchelle, Miliche (apparently pronounced as "Militia"), or as one of the agencies I deal with at work spelled it yesterday, Missal.
Missal. Seriously?!?!?! First of all, I'm pretty sure that's not a name. And if it is, it IS NOT my name. It takes 10 seconds to ask someone to spell their name for you. Don't butcher it.Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A conversation between my mother and myself
Mom: Dad, Keith and I are going to the cottage on Thursday. Are you sure you will be okay by yourself?
Me: Yeah, I'll be fine. If I get scared or lonely, I'll invite Tony over.
Mom: (long pause) You'll invite Tony over to stay?...If you 're going to, you need to tell me because I need to clean the washroom.
:D
I love that her biggest concern was that she needed to clean the washroom :)
Me: Yeah, I'll be fine. If I get scared or lonely, I'll invite Tony over.
Mom: (long pause) You'll invite Tony over to stay?...If you 're going to, you need to tell me because I need to clean the washroom.
:D
I love that her biggest concern was that she needed to clean the washroom :)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Update
Okay, so upon talking to a friend, I realized I should probably update this again :P. Just a short post for now, but I ended up going to California. The chest x-ray showed that I had bronchitis, not pneumonia. The trip was great.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Stupid pneumonia
So today I learned that should my bout of pneumonia not clear up, I won't be getting on the plane on Tuesday. Which blows. I know my health is more important and lord knows I don't want to end up using the health care system there, but still. I was looking forward to California so much.
Frick. Why did I get pneumonia now? Why couldn't this just be a bad cold? Ah well. My chest x-ray comes back tomorrow so I'll see how bad it is then. In the meantime I'll just keep drinking lots of water and tea. I have the medication the doctor filling in for my doctor gave me too. (Yeesh, what a time for my doctor to be on vacation.) But the doctor I saw was really nice. She was listening to my breathing and then went "I think you have pneumonia." To which I replied with, "Um, what?"
I was expecting something, but not that. I figured it was something a little worse, given that Buckley's had stopped working for my cough.
I hate pneumonia. It's potentially killing my trip and worse, now that I've had it once, I'm apparently more susceptible to getting it in the future. :(
Frick. Why did I get pneumonia now? Why couldn't this just be a bad cold? Ah well. My chest x-ray comes back tomorrow so I'll see how bad it is then. In the meantime I'll just keep drinking lots of water and tea. I have the medication the doctor filling in for my doctor gave me too. (Yeesh, what a time for my doctor to be on vacation.) But the doctor I saw was really nice. She was listening to my breathing and then went "I think you have pneumonia." To which I replied with, "Um, what?"
I was expecting something, but not that. I figured it was something a little worse, given that Buckley's had stopped working for my cough.
I hate pneumonia. It's potentially killing my trip and worse, now that I've had it once, I'm apparently more susceptible to getting it in the future. :(
Friday, March 12, 2010
What a lovely mood I'm in.....
How the hell does my brother's getting into the social work program lead to me getting lectured on studying properly?
I'm happy for him, but ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Leave me alone! I get it! I suck at studying and life!!!!! I don't need people to keep pointing it out!
(P.S. Sorry for all the exclamation marks.)
I'm happy for him, but ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Leave me alone! I get it! I suck at studying and life!!!!! I don't need people to keep pointing it out!
(P.S. Sorry for all the exclamation marks.)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Current Obsessions
Currently I'm obsessed with:
- Sushi Cat---a web game too addictive for it's own good http://www.freewebarcade.com/game/sushi-cat/
- California---because I can't wait to go on vacation :)
I need to stop being obsessed with both and actually do some studying.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I've noticed that when I'm really stressed out, or when I feel like my life is falling to pieces, I get a strong urge to drop everything and travel. It's more about getting away than really wanting to see a place, and I'm pretty sure that this counts as running away rather than wanting to deal with my problems. It's how I've always been.
When I began to study journalism, I think that's what I wanted out of it; to be able to travel while reporting on what was happening. And now, having a boyfriend and slowly gaining stability in my life has been a good thing (though you would never guess it from my previous post). I still have the urge to travel and get away, but it's nice to know that when i return home, there are people here who love me.
I suppose that much of the idealism I had going into journalism has been replaced with cynicism. Journalism, like everything else, is far from perfect.
This post makes absolutely no sense, and I apologize.
When I began to study journalism, I think that's what I wanted out of it; to be able to travel while reporting on what was happening. And now, having a boyfriend and slowly gaining stability in my life has been a good thing (though you would never guess it from my previous post). I still have the urge to travel and get away, but it's nice to know that when i return home, there are people here who love me.
I suppose that much of the idealism I had going into journalism has been replaced with cynicism. Journalism, like everything else, is far from perfect.
This post makes absolutely no sense, and I apologize.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I suck at life
This is going to be a rather self-depreciating entry.
I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of feeling like a loser who's never going to be able to accomplish anything. And what's worse is that I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it either.
My parents are not so great at being motivational speakers when it comes to me, but I suppose I haven't exactly been worthy of praise. I fail at everything I do when it comes to school...and work...and just about everything else. (My mom told my brother that my dad wants to show me a picture of a person on welfare and say that that's what I'm going to be. Seriously. WTF?)
I admit that I haven't tried in the past. But I really was trying in the past year to change everything and I can't seem to climb over whatever this stupid hurdle is.
Maybe that's the problem. I don't know why I can't seem to motivate myself to be successful. I hate that my parents compare me to my cousin with the fucking PHD, I hate that they compare me to the cousin who is going into pre-med. I already feel stupid and worthless. I don't need examples to prove the point further.
I'm 26, still live at home, have no degree or diploma and work in a piece of shit supposedly part time job that if I'm lucky gives me between 9 and 13 hours a week. I hate being shy, I hate that I'm overweight, I hate I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN CONFIDE IN ANYONE.
I wish I had a best friend that I could confide in, but being shy and complacent and letting people walk over you gets you nothing but a useless life and a "best" friend who only calls you when something has happened to her. If I've done something, she's done it bigger and better and that leaves me nowhere.
I should stop bitching so much. I could be in a much worse position; at least I have a family that loves me and my boyfriend loves me and I do a have a group of close friends that are supportive and wonderful and when I go out with them I have a wonderful time.
But I hate when I feel like this because I feel like I'm not being fair to anyone by hanging out with them. It's certainly not fair to my boyfriend, who tends to watch me be grouchy without actually knowing why. Sometimes I think I'm still too stupid and selfish to be with someone who loves me unconditionally. And that makes me feel worse.
I've lost interest in my poetry, I've lost interest in just about everything except sleeping. At least when I'm asleep I feel peaceful. I'd never kill myself (I'm terrified of death and dying without accomplishing anything, ironically enough), but this past December/beginning of January was the first time I truly felt like suicide was a viable option, and that really scares me. I've had friends attempt suicide before, and I've always thought that I would never let myself get to that stage.
I guess failure takes it's toll on you after awhile. I've made little changes (I try to exercise everyday now, I'm trying to be a cautious spender and I'm looking for a different job). I'm in school part-time for journalism, and this is the first time I feel like I have a professor who I will genuinely keep in touch with after the semester ends. That's never happened before.
I've been looking into going for therapy. That seems like the best solution. We'll see what happens.
I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of feeling like a loser who's never going to be able to accomplish anything. And what's worse is that I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it either.
My parents are not so great at being motivational speakers when it comes to me, but I suppose I haven't exactly been worthy of praise. I fail at everything I do when it comes to school...and work...and just about everything else. (My mom told my brother that my dad wants to show me a picture of a person on welfare and say that that's what I'm going to be. Seriously. WTF?)
I admit that I haven't tried in the past. But I really was trying in the past year to change everything and I can't seem to climb over whatever this stupid hurdle is.
Maybe that's the problem. I don't know why I can't seem to motivate myself to be successful. I hate that my parents compare me to my cousin with the fucking PHD, I hate that they compare me to the cousin who is going into pre-med. I already feel stupid and worthless. I don't need examples to prove the point further.
I'm 26, still live at home, have no degree or diploma and work in a piece of shit supposedly part time job that if I'm lucky gives me between 9 and 13 hours a week. I hate being shy, I hate that I'm overweight, I hate I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN CONFIDE IN ANYONE.
I wish I had a best friend that I could confide in, but being shy and complacent and letting people walk over you gets you nothing but a useless life and a "best" friend who only calls you when something has happened to her. If I've done something, she's done it bigger and better and that leaves me nowhere.
I should stop bitching so much. I could be in a much worse position; at least I have a family that loves me and my boyfriend loves me and I do a have a group of close friends that are supportive and wonderful and when I go out with them I have a wonderful time.
But I hate when I feel like this because I feel like I'm not being fair to anyone by hanging out with them. It's certainly not fair to my boyfriend, who tends to watch me be grouchy without actually knowing why. Sometimes I think I'm still too stupid and selfish to be with someone who loves me unconditionally. And that makes me feel worse.
I've lost interest in my poetry, I've lost interest in just about everything except sleeping. At least when I'm asleep I feel peaceful. I'd never kill myself (I'm terrified of death and dying without accomplishing anything, ironically enough), but this past December/beginning of January was the first time I truly felt like suicide was a viable option, and that really scares me. I've had friends attempt suicide before, and I've always thought that I would never let myself get to that stage.
I guess failure takes it's toll on you after awhile. I've made little changes (I try to exercise everyday now, I'm trying to be a cautious spender and I'm looking for a different job). I'm in school part-time for journalism, and this is the first time I feel like I have a professor who I will genuinely keep in touch with after the semester ends. That's never happened before.
I've been looking into going for therapy. That seems like the best solution. We'll see what happens.
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